For Barbara Brady
Pitiless in Hate
Though Desperate for Love/
The Queen of Doom Awoke from the Black Sleep of the Pit
Hungry/
For something Young and Fresh
To Feast On…../She went Out
into the Winter of Her Desire/a Storm of Cold
Clean
Sterility/Clothed only by Lies which she Esteemed Most Lovely
Though Her Glamour was
I r r e s I s t a b l e
and Bewitched even Me/
From a Point of View
most Fetching
Did I see Her
Walking in the Light/As
The Sun shined through The Storm Clouds of Depression
and Lit up The World/
She Declared She was a Goddess, Then/She asked
for My Affection/Catching Sight of
Me Flying
Down from Heaven/A Dark
Shining Angel
to Her/for a Time..
Hiding Her True Intentions from Me
She and I Loved each other
in a Friendship which gave Me Great Joy/I’d Never
had Sex with Her
Though She Revealed
Much later
that She wanted Me to/And Though I loved Her,
She was far Too Insatiable,
Enraged and
Cruel to Herself/We had Arguments Aplenty/
She found the Agonies
And Miseries of
Self-loathing Comforting
Addicted to Them, though Unaware of This, Ceaselessly
Affirming Her doom
Like something Alive which She had Killed
To Wear its Skin like a Fur
And Keep Away the
Deep Guilty Chills of Winter/ (Though This
Failed to Warm Her Heart
or Mine)
Once,
She told Me Her Vagina
was Diseased/
Vividly
I imagined Spreading Her Legs
to Witness the Mystery of Her Sex,
Shuddering with Disgust
and Revulsion at Sight of leaky
pus-dripping Cancerous Lesions
Blooming in Her Uterus……./ “why Don’t
You Want Me, Baby? I could Show You Ecstacies” She said. “I could Suck Your Penis with Flawless Skill”
Declining, though Not Doubting this,
I told her She could Do So
when her Miserable, Bitchy Disposition
had lightened
Considerably…../
But blinded by Her own
Fear
of being Rejected
(Believing She was a Hideous Hag to Me)
and Projecting This
She Deceived Me,
/Condemned Me/Used Me Like Dumb-Fuck-Meat/
Then Abandoned Me/(Poorer than She Found Me)
to Sheer Disaster and Desolation
(The Only Fate She Argued Unreasonably with Me to Understand and Accept
as All-Powerful-Reality
Because She Refused to Accept this for Herself After She had Created It, And so sneakily Credited it to Me
Unable to Tolerate the Actual Fact that She was Responsible for it
by Her Simple Wish for it to be There for Her to Complain About to Me)
We’d had a surprisingly long and wonderful Friendship prior to this….
Now I was Lost/Being a
Winged Freak
To This World
I was Dazed, Confused
and in Deep Trauma, Hurt by Her
Irrational Resentment and Fury/And even considered
Responding To Her Actions
By Never Speaking To Her Again/Though
Indeed I Loved Her/and I reallymissed My Friend
as Such Unjust Denial of Our True Connection
Cut Me To the Quick/Perhaps
it is Madness to You
To learn
that I Forgave Her
Her Sick Patterns of Abandonment/Hating the Pain and Agony She was causing
Herself and Me/and Seeking
Her Out.
Once Again,
I found Her
Finally…../Alone
Wandering Aimlessly and Made
Unspeakably Mad by Grief/And from a Distance
(for She Hated the Very Sight of Me)
I followed Her Out to the Great
Red Burning Wastelands
of East Hell……./
You may Wonder Well What
I saw in
The Queen of Doom……/We seemed Vastly Different From Each Other.
And in Some
cases The Polarity of
where We were Opposite
Divided Us and Drove Us Apart……/But I can Speak
Truthfully
as One of God’s
own Angels
That I was Sent Uniquely
to Save Her from Destruction/I Could Not
Conceivably
Fuck Her
to Achieve This
because Greed,
Lust, Pride and
Envy
were all Originally
Her own Downfall
from Eternity/……Deceived anx
Misguided by
Severity, Terror
and Vanity/She lost sight of Her True Beauty,
Glory and Power,
which I
was Heaven-sent to
Restore to Her/though
Her Appearance, Beliefs and Actions, basically were Appalling/ “Someday
You’ll be Old,
Vicious and Nasty,
Just Like Me,”
She used to say
Bitterly…… when Unable
to Successfully Convince Me
of Her Insanity/
but Not Without a Cruel Smile of
Fondness…..
I wondered is She Would Live to See such a Day
If Age was Indeed a Factor,
It Scarcely Mattered
to Me/She
came from a Time
when My People and Tribes of Lost Angels
Were Enslaved
BRUTALLY OPPRESSED
by Hers/
…….a Tribe of Vain, Parasitic,
Technology-Backward Arrogant and
Pessimistic Brats/And even After My People were seemingly Set Free
To Mix Openly with Her Society/They were Certainly Not Perceived
or Treated Equally/
Most of My People Died in Slavery/or became Dead to Themselves in Captivity/Becoming
Sick, Hateful Zombies
Who Miserably Denied Themselves their Wings of Freedom/I could Not by Celestial Design,
Deny Mine.
(Risking wrath and disapproval of
My Tribe/ Freakishly Displaying
My Ingenious and Bright
Inheretence of
Intelligent Beauty/and Truly Paying My
Obviously Half-Envious Critics
no mind
Nor Could I
Return to the Gates of Heaven
without Her
Who was My Queen and Friend/As
an Angel of Harmonious Creation and of Peace/My Powers
of Resilience and
of Universal Healing
are Rather Basic
and Paramount to My Essential Being/And so
I Cannot Reconcile
Ever
Hatred with Hope…../
Pain with Joy…../
Fear and Love…../
noting sadly
Most People of This World
Find Them
aptly matched…../Faithfully I
sought Out
Her Magesty, The Queen of Doom, through Her Maze of Hate
and Finally
found Her
Raving and Insane………./and Wandering
the Burning Red Wastes
of the East/…..ALWAYS
keeping My Distance
When She
would Turn Suddenly
On Me and Become Vicious/Without
Her Awareness
Usually,
would I
On Many Occassions
Prevent Her
from Leaping/
Screaming
into
the
Void………../
But After
Our Final Argument
She
lost Her Sanity
Entirely/and was
Never Again quite the
Same/Neither
was I, Truth
Be Told…/Now
some Kinds of Insecurities
Hide in Fear/…..Others
shroud themselves
Behind\…..Darkness cannot
Meaningfully Be Usedd
to Conceal
nothing/ Nothing and Nothing
May Relate Well,
but They
are Still
Nowhere,
Withou Meaning,
and pointless to consider
for Anything at All…../
The Unacceptable Truth of Love is
Everyone is Always
Worthy of it/……some people
Go Mad
Denying This/ Now am I
Also Perceived as Insane
For Loving One
Who Doesn’t Understand They
Really Hate Me/and Sometimes
I Also Go Insane
from This as well/I can Accept Easily
the premise that
Others are In Terrible Pain/I can Be Serenely Prudent/and
Implacably Patient with
Insanity/
What I Cannot
Will Not, and
Will Never Accept
is That Hatred
towards Me
is Ever Truly
Justified/The Last Time I saw
My Queen of Doom, She
had Flung Herself
from a High, Icy Peak
Leaping to join with Her Love, Lord and Mastewr,
Mister Death/
Broken
Happily Twisted/and Slowly Dying
Where I
Found Her.
Finally
I took Her into
My Arms, Weeping
at this Masochistic Atrocity…../
“Why?!” I asked Her
Sobbing..
“Why?!”
“Just Because.” She replied.
/Falling Silent
then She died.
That’s Why Love
Always Makes Me Cry
That’s Why
Love Always Makes Me Cry
23 May 1998
I’M NOT AFRAID OF THE DARK #56
Queens, New York
Finnegan