*FOR JONATHAN WALSH
REMEMBERING OUR FIRST KISS
WHILE WE WERE BOTH TRIPPING
ON ACID IN THAT CHELSEA HELL-HOLE/
/IN MID-TOWN MANHATTAN/AND TRYING TO FORGET THE PAIN/REMEMBERING AND UNABLE TO FORGET OUR SEX
AND HOW IT FELT SO RIGHT/MOST NOTING YOUR MOANS OF PLEASURE AND ECSTASY STILL CAUGHT IN MY EARS AND EYES
ECHOING THERE FOREVER AND FOREVER/AND FOREVER AND FOREVER THEY’RE IN MY MIND/MOST VIVIDLY I RECALL DARK
TIMES/REMEMBERING WHEN YOU PISSED ON ME AND AS I WEPT IN HORROR RECALLING HOW YOU TOLD ME COLDLY
NOT TO CRY/AND TRYING TO FORGET THE PAIN/MOST VIVIDLY I RECALL YOUR QUIET /AND HOW I LOVED YOUR SILENCE
AND GENTLENESS THE BEST/REMEMBERING AND UNABLE TO FORGET HOW LUCKY I FELT TO KNOW AND LOVE YOU/AND
HOW TIME HAS DONE NOTHING TO HOW I FEEL/REMEMBERING YOUR MYSTERY TEARS/ AND THINKING HOW FOR ONCE
THIS WAS THE ONLY TIME I DIDN’T FEEL SORRY FOR YOU ……… / RECALLING ALSO ONCE
HOW YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T EVER WISH TO BE HELD –
ACCOUNTABLE / AND FINDING THIS BOTH
INCREDIBLE AND UNBELIEVABLE/ ALTHOUGH TODAY I UNDERSTAND
YOU WERE JUST MISERABLE. A SPOILED ROTTEN GOLDEN BOY /AND TRYING TO FORGET THE PAINFUL WAYS
THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU WAS REVEALED TO ME/RECALLING FONDLY
THOSE, RARE AND PRECIOUS DAYS
WHEN YOU WERE NOT
BEING COLD AND CRUEL TOWARDS ME/ AND NOT GOSSIPING SHAMELESSLY
BEHIND MY BACK/ AND
WHEN YOU WERE OPENLY
AND PUBLICLY WARM AND AFFECTIONATE TOWARDS ME/ AND YOU GET AN E FOR EFFORT THERE IN MY BOOK/BECAUSE
YOU WERE A CLOSET CASE, VAIN AND TWLSTED/AND WE WERE A COUPLE OF
SALT AND PEPPER FLAVORED
QUEER SPACE CHILDREN/ AND L’M STILL TRYING-TO FORGET THE PAIN……….
REMEMBERING
OUR NUMEROUS WONDERFUL AND WARM
PHONE CONVERSATIONS AND LETTERS/AND HOW LOVING YOU HAS CHANGED ME FOREVER/AND I’M STILL TRYING TO
FORGET THE PAIN AND HEAL
BY NEVER FORGETTING THE LOVE WE SHARED/
AND SO I MUST FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU/THOUGH IT SEEMS YOU WISH TO HIDE/AND SO I MUST FORGIVE
YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU/THOUGH IT SEEMS YOU’RE IN DENIAL/ AND THOUGH YOU WERE ABUSIVE, DECEPTIVE, GAME-PLAYING AND FINALLY SO SPINELESS
ABANDONING ME TO MY SEEMING DEATH,
I’M STILL TRYING TO FORGET THE PAIN;/THE AGONIZING LONELINESS
WHEN YOU THEN ABANDONED ME
AND RAN
AND HID/WITH YOUR INTERPRETATION OF TAKING POWER
TO YOUR MUCH BOASTED OF HIDDEN IVORY TOWERS/SURROUNDED BY THE PEOPLE YOU CLAIMED TO ME YOU HATED
AND I ‘M STILL TRYING TO FORGET THE PALN/ …….AND HEAL
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU STILL/YES, I STILL LOVE YOU/THOUGH YOU DIDN’T WANT ME WHEN YOU HAD ME
AND PROBABLY DON’T WANT ME NOW/AND SO THIS IS ABOUT
THE CLOSURE
FOR BOTH OUR HEALING/IF WE ARE BOTH TO GROW
AND KNOW
THE PAST IS OVER AND
IS NO MORE/
THIS IS ABOUT THE CLOSURE YOU ALSO DENIED ME / AND SO I MUST NOW HAUNT YOU
AS YOU HAVE KILLED ME/UNTIL MY SPIRIT IS AVENGED, I WILL HAUNT YOU TIL THE END/ MY GHOST IS THE DENIAL
YOU BELIEVE YOU HAVE EVADED ENTIRELY AND ESCAPED FROM IN A FRUITLESS QUEST……….
NOWHERE../ YOU HAVE ONLY DECEIVED YOURSELF/YOU HAVE NOT DECEIVED ME/YOU HAVE ONLY HURT YOURSELF/
YOU DON’T HAVE TO HURT ME
ANYMORE/COME AND SEE
I’M STILL HERE, HAPPY TO LOVE
AND FORGIVE ALL/I AM HAPPY TO LOVE YOU AGAIN/AND MORE SOME AND THEN SOME
THEN A THOUSAND TIMES MORE/FOR YOU KNOW THE LOVE I LOVE WITH IS TRULY ENDLESS/WHY?……BECAUSE LOVE
YOU DENY NOW YOU ONLY HAVE TO LOVE AGAIN NEXT TIME AROUND/WHY WASTE MORE TIME HATING WHAT IS GONE/
AND GONE FOREVER? /I CANNOT LOVE YOU AS I HAD/I MUST LOVE YOU WISER AND MORE RATIONAL THAN I HAVE/ AND
THAT MEANS INFINITE PATIENCE/WHAT I KNOW YOU WISH YOU HAD/SO I DO/ AND SO IT SEEMS I MUST
TRUST
THAT YOU WILL FORGIVE AND LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY
I FORGIVE AND LOVE YOU/BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU/YES I DO/ AND I WANT YOU TO BE HEALED BY THIS/EVEN THOUGH
YOU DIDN’T WANT ME WHEN YOU HAD ME/AND DIDN’T TELL ME I WAS ALSO
IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WHOLE GOD-DAMN FAMILY/WHOM YOU
NEVER SHOULD HAVE TURNED TO
FOR ADVICE/BECAUSE WHAT DID YOU EXPECT OF OLD STINKY MONEY?/WHAT DID YOU
EXPECT THEM TO SAY?…../
“SURE, GO RIGHT ON AHEAD
AND HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH FINNEGAN, ANYWAY…..
DEPRIVING US OF GRANDCHILDREN. AND CATCHING YOURSELF AIDS
FROM THAT FILTHY CRACK-SMOKING NIGGER .
EMBARRASSING US ALL AS ALWAYS AS YOU TRY TO FIND YOURSELF ONCE AGAIN
BY HUMILIATING US IN PUBLIC FUCKING HIM AND YOURSELF BREATHLESSLY TO DEATH
IN OUR BEAUTIFUL PENTHOUSE APARTMENTS ON CENTRAL PARK WEST……. WHAT DO WE CARE? IT’S YOUR LIFE…..”
AND I’M STILL TRYING TO FORGET THE PAIN
AND THE LIES/THE HIDEOUS LIES YOU THOUGHT YOU HID FROM ME/BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH IT IS YEARS LATER AND
UNDOUBTEDLY YOU HAVE SEALED ME UP ALIVE/ AND FROZEN ME OVER IN THAT GHASTLY ICY HOLE OF YOUR HEART/
ENTOMBED THERE, YOURSELF, UNFEELING……. /I STILL LOVE YOU AND THIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL TRUTH/FOR EVEN TO
DENY MY LOVE IS STILL TO BELIEVE IN IT/I STILL LOVE YOU AND THE TRUTH IS NAKED/NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU
DENY /NO MATTER IF YOU MINIMIZE IT/NO MATTER YOUR AVOIDANCE AND HIDING/
THE TRUTH IS NAKED
AND I STILL LOVE YOU/AND I KNOW YOU STILL LOVE ME TOO/ I CAN FEEL IT/…..
I CAN STILL FEEL THE POWER THERE…..
…./I CAN STILL FEEL THE POWER/ AND SO CAN YOU…. /
13 APRIL 1999
I’M NOT AFRAID OF THE DARK #57
Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Finnegan