I'm Not Afraid of The Dark

S h A t T e R e D.

*for Barbara Brady

In the Beginning

Wholeness was The Host

to This Radiant Child of Passion

Then Came The Shadows…………/

(and Thus Began My Descent into Seductive Suffering in a Pleasurable Hell)

And Sense Shattering Trauma  after Sense Shattering Trauma

I discovered a Jagged Edged Hatred

Gift Wrapped

Just For Me/

and Finding Such 

Forever Unpalatable…..

A Wounding Hole  opened Deep 


Swirling Black Shadow

Filled the

World In My Eyes

Wailing Wraiths





tore open the HOLE

INSIDE/Squeezing their

Lecherously Obese


Slime Coated forms through

the Broken Windows of

My Mind’s Eye/

And Grief said

“Embrace All Suffering! Pain is Such a Guilty Delight …. especially when It’s Someone Else’s/ But The Most Ecstasy You can enjoy from Pain is from your Own,

 paid for and Attended in Full of course, by Me!”

Then Agony chimed in merrily

“I am the Lord of The Lament. 

I can Teach You how

to Love Zombies, /Teach You how to find ze Living Dead sexually stimulating/and HOTLY


I will Show You Fear

made Fuckable.      and Addictive/”

And This was Made Flesh

                                          The Terror of Being Seen/ 

And This could Speak Words

                                               In Favor of Staying Hidden.

And in Darkness did the Wound Fester



Becoming One

with Rage/

                 and Finding Feasts of Fury

to Ravenously Consume flavored 

spicy with Anger

                            in a Hellishly Hot Stew of Ambivalence and Denial

                           The Rage became The Rage

  which became The Modern Law of Darkness

and for a time

                       was only opposed by The Exceptional Brilliance            of a Lone                                  Dark Star/

But Betrayal and Envy were 

seeded and sired

in Its Naivete

                        and when its Light finally

went out

so did my Own Light dim Noticably

as a part of Me died 

in the shock of My Shattered Dreams/

                                                                Feeling Slashed at by Twisters of Fury

       Because Monsters need to feed

       Because Monsters need to kill

       Because Monsters can never

          be Satisfied/

I retreated into a Thousand Year Silence

           where I learned the Terrible Secret

That the Scary Monsters of Inhuman Cruelty were

versions and parts of myself

I had previously

bitterly Denied/

                         A Fantasy Battle between Me, Myself and I/

  Broken Up, Scattered and Scrambled

   In Multiple Display/

all Cleverly Disguised in a Substitute Reality of 

Senseless Ridiculous Drama

and Illogically Miserable Evil

Beckoning Me to Play in it

at My Own Blind

and Helplessly Insane Expen

                                     As a Twisted Soloution to Deeply Denied Problems Kept Hidden

                                    cherished and nurtured by Unreasonble Hatred/

               and Finally Maturing                          into a Horrid Blossom of Unmanagable Chaos/

Disasters I only 

Escape              within inches             of My Life/

to Amazed Witnesses.              and Spectators Seeking Freaks to Gawk at/.   who will later

Faking Friendship.                     come to lie and steal and use/

via a Clever Vehicle of Abuse

called Co Dependency/ 

and then Discard and Discredit.                      from their Insatiable Need for Personal Safety/The  Petty Little Parts 

they Disagree With

Mostly because it would Require Them to change./

Such Wretched Affairs.                      

always Draining and Disturbing /

                                                    were a slow Deteriorating 

toll       on My Sanity/

Engaged  in Endless Battles    with Senseless Tyranny/

which always concluded                                                                     

                                                        with Said Tyrants always

                                                                                       Completely Self Obliterating in Battle with Me/

and Having Hated Myself for always being 
The Last One Left Alive

                                         I attacked Myself with Blame/

because I


                                 I did not deserve to Live/

Ghosts of a Chance

            were all I was allowed 

                                    to Rise Up

 From Hell 

Witb/ For having Dim Recollection

That Once 

                 I had Wings

I Earnestly Tried

                           to Fly.

Even though This New World 
I discovered 


              was Void


               and without Love/

So I became            Master of Darkness/

as Only



                  and Vampires

seemed to Love me now/


for Even in Hell

                         am I the Gift that Keeps Giving/

                                                                             Goulish Parodies

                                                 of Relationships

  Plagued Me

For I could only seem to Attract         the Most Envious Partners/                            

          who were so threatened and     Certain My Love

would          Undo Them/

without Warning

                           They would always Slice Away Clean of Me/

and always leave Me a departing Scar

                                                             with just a hint of their Most Hidden Hate/

                                                                                                                                  left Just For Me!/

                                                                                                                                                            to remember Them


                                     Shock after Shock

                                      did I

                          come to Fear Love/

seeing Liars and Thieves Everywhere/.

            and This Broken Fragmented Picture of Inhumanity.      

Became My Guide/

                                              A Wounding Sorrowful Picture to behold.

                                                                                                        A Pitiful Picture of Nothing/

                                                                                                                             No one could ever Love/

                                                  Hopelessly Misplaced

                                                                                     and Lost My Direction/

                                                                                                                   In The Blackest Sea of Despair/

Because There Was No Light to See By.

           and Hence No Love 

                                           to Motivate Me/

 In The Darkness

                            Inactivity Ate Me up Alive/

                                                                       As Beautiful Parts of Me

Fled My Soul

Finding No Care In Me to Sustain Them/            any Further

           and so Most Regretably                   I fell to Pieces


            S h a t t e r e d

                                     and Hopeless

In the Whirling Dark Denials of Survivor’s Guilt,

Don’t ask Me Now

            To Put Myself back together Alone

            For I have been taught by Neglect

                        to Hate Myself

Don’t ask Me Now

            To Accept Responsibility

            Where I am clearly In Arrested Development

            Being Forced to Grow up too Quickly by Selfish Abusive Elders

                        via Grossly Inadequate Means

Don’t ask Me Now

            After You have Loved Me because

            I am Helplessly Insane

                        and Beside Myself

                                    with Rage

to Fuse

            to Integrate

                        to become One Body

                                    and One Mind

Unless You Learn How to Share with Me

                                                only your Wholeness

                                                            Because I cannot Escape from Hell without it………

                                    (And Neither can You.)

4 June, 1998
Queens, New York
I’m Not Afraid of the Dark #41

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