*for Barbara Brady
In the Beginning
Wholeness was The Host
to This Radiant Child of Passion
Then Came The Shadows…………/
(and Thus Began My Descent into Seductive Suffering in a Pleasurable Hell)
And Sense Shattering Trauma after Sense Shattering Trauma
I discovered a Jagged Edged Hatred
Gift Wrapped
Just For Me/
and Finding Such
Forever Unpalatable…..
A Wounding Hole opened Deep
Inside
Swirling Black Shadow
Filled the
World In My Eyes
Wailing Wraiths
named
Grief
and
Agony
tore open the HOLE
INSIDE/Squeezing their
Lecherously Obese
Leech-like
Slime Coated forms through
the Broken Windows of
My Mind’s Eye/
And Grief said
“Embrace All Suffering! Pain is Such a Guilty Delight …. especially when It’s Someone Else’s/ But The Most Ecstasy You can enjoy from Pain is from your Own,
paid for and Attended in Full of course, by Me!”
Then Agony chimed in merrily
“I am the Lord of The Lament.
I can Teach You how
to Love Zombies, /Teach You how to find ze Living Dead sexually stimulating/and HOTLY
Arousing/.
I will Show You Fear
made Fuckable. and Addictive/”
And This was Made Flesh
The Terror of Being Seen/
And This could Speak Words
In Favor of Staying Hidden.
And in Darkness did the Wound Fester
Hatefully
Inside/
Becoming One
with Rage/
and Finding Feasts of Fury
to Ravenously Consume flavored
spicy with Anger
in a Hellishly Hot Stew of Ambivalence and Denial
The Rage became The Rage
which became The Modern Law of Darkness
and for a time
was only opposed by The Exceptional Brilliance of a Lone Dark Star/
But Betrayal and Envy were
seeded and sired
in Its Naivete
and when its Light finally
went out
so did my Own Light dim Noticably
as a part of Me died
in the shock of My Shattered Dreams/
Feeling Slashed at by Twisters of Fury
Because Monsters need to feed
Because Monsters need to kill
Because Monsters can never
be Satisfied/
I retreated into a Thousand Year Silence
where I learned the Terrible Secret
That the Scary Monsters of Inhuman Cruelty were
versions and parts of myself
I had previously
bitterly Denied/
A Fantasy Battle between Me, Myself and I/
Broken Up, Scattered and Scrambled
In Multiple Display/
all Cleverly Disguised in a Substitute Reality of
Senseless Ridiculous Drama
and Illogically Miserable Evil
Beckoning Me to Play in it
at My Own Blind
and Helplessly Insane Expen
As a Twisted Soloution to Deeply Denied Problems Kept Hidden
cherished and nurtured by Unreasonble Hatred/
and Finally Maturing into a Horrid Blossom of Unmanagable Chaos/
Disasters I only
Escape within inches of My Life/
to Amazed Witnesses. and Spectators Seeking Freaks to Gawk at/. who will later
Faking Friendship. come to lie and steal and use/
via a Clever Vehicle of Abuse
called Co Dependency/
and then Discard and Discredit. from their Insatiable Need for Personal Safety/The Petty Little Parts
they Disagree With
Mostly because it would Require Them to change./
Such Wretched Affairs.
always Draining and Disturbing /
were a slow Deteriorating
toll on My Sanity/
Engaged in Endless Battles with Senseless Tyranny/
which always concluded
with Said Tyrants always
Completely Self Obliterating in Battle with Me/
and Having Hated Myself for always being
The Last One Left Alive
I attacked Myself with Blame/
because I
believed
I did not deserve to Live/
Ghosts of a Chance
were all I was allowed
to Rise Up
From Hell
Witb/ For having Dim Recollection
That Once
I had Wings
I Earnestly Tried
to Fly.
Even though This New World
I discovered
hence
was Void
Lightless
and without Love/
So I became Master of Darkness/
as Only
Ghosts
Demons
and Vampires
seemed to Love me now/
ius
for Even in Hell
am I the Gift that Keeps Giving/
Goulish Parodies
of Relationships
Plagued Me
For I could only seem to Attract the Most Envious Partners/
who were so threatened and Certain My Love
would Undo Them/
without Warning
They would always Slice Away Clean of Me/
and always leave Me a departing Scar
with just a hint of their Most Hidden Hate/
left Just For Me!/
to remember Them
by/
Shock after Shock
did I
come to Fear Love/
seeing Liars and Thieves Everywhere/.
and This Broken Fragmented Picture of Inhumanity.
Became My Guide/
A Wounding Sorrowful Picture to behold.
A Pitiful Picture of Nothing/
No one could ever Love/
Hopelessly Misplaced
and Lost My Direction/
In The Blackest Sea of Despair/
Because There Was No Light to See By.
and Hence No Love
to Motivate Me/
In The Darkness
Inactivity Ate Me up Alive/
As Beautiful Parts of Me
Fled My Soul
Finding No Care In Me to Sustain Them/ any Further
and so Most Regretably I fell to Pieces
Scattered,
S h a t t e r e d
and Hopeless
In the Whirling Dark Denials of Survivor’s Guilt,
Don’t ask Me Now
To Put Myself back together Alone
For I have been taught by Neglect
to Hate Myself
Don’t ask Me Now
To Accept Responsibility
Where I am clearly In Arrested Development
Being Forced to Grow up too Quickly by Selfish Abusive Elders
via Grossly Inadequate Means
Don’t ask Me Now
After You have Loved Me because
I am Helplessly Insane
and Beside Myself
with Rage
to Fuse
to Integrate
to become One Body
and One Mind
Unless You Learn How to Share with Me
only your Wholeness
Because I cannot Escape from Hell without it………
(And Neither can You.)
4 June, 1998
Queens, New York
I’m Not Afraid of the Dark #41
Finnegan