Ride with me
on the wings of barking Ravens
down these Wind-burned tunnels of Tree and Slope
to the Valley of the Beast
where the Windmills of my Mind are Whirling
under icy blades of burning Moon and Stars
to This Old House standing Sentinel
and take a Stand with me
against The Mask of Evil
I will tear it off The Damned
Wall is Rising Up slamming and sliding me along
the Picture-plastered floor
as the world is turning Upside-Down
and I’m flung against the Ceiling
where I shatter out a Skylight
and plunge cold
into a Sea of Stars
weightless as thought
as free as Light
but Twisted Darkly
by Pure Fucking Terror
it was simply Pure
it was simply Dark
it was simply Hell as Hot
as the Rage of Angels
And Along Some Nameless Endless Nightmarish Ghetto
I Am An American Just Like You
We
Are
Monsters Together
And Falling Free
and Fast
and Harder
and Deeper
and Faster
We smash through membrane and splash coldly
Under Black Liquids in a Barren Womb
and claw through a fleshy steamy
Blood-filled Opening
Blinded by Unholy Brightness Outside
Beyond the Gate
And so Born
I am Alone
but Inseparable from You
My Evil Twin
I know you…..
I saw what you did…..
(I’m not telling…..
I’m not saying a fucking WORD!)
That baby did nothing to Deserve Your Murderous Attention
When its screaming brings tlle Big Mama running
I am alone again
(who has tortured her Baby? who has caused such suffering to
Pitch The Baby Out with the bathwater? the rats. they did it.
I am alone
with Them and my Evil Twin)
where did you go this time? did you escape in a blast through
the glitter-bright brilliance of the looking glass? how old are You
Evil Twin, while I remain trapped in this aging thin
coffin-made-flesh? how bright and fresh are your eyes and
smile and is your breath still the same bubble-gum-scented fantasy
where flowers and birds are said to thrive within such limits
like a dream?
The Rape of the Mind
Comes Second Nature
Abuse being Primed by a Factor of Seven
when I had Dreamed a Teen-Aged Heaven
while being bludgeoned by blunted thick Black Fists
of a man from the Military who clubbed
my father
my mother watching
my sister in hand
almost bored
we fled across the schoolyard past screaming children
and into the darkly florescent lit school cafeteria
where I could hear the thoughts of birds Talking to Me
through withered flowers saying; “dance with us ugly little baby
Bastard dance with me…..”
but I’m not stupid,
I knew Who
it Really was
whispering such Madness …….
it was You.
and I watch the Mirror now
Cold with Horror
at the Liar
at the Murderer
at the Monster I’ve Become
Because I am innocent
Because I am innocent
Because I am innocent
I am Free
to turn around and Look at me
and Where I’ve come from
Look at Me
Look at Me
Look at Me and What I am
I’m nothing
without You My Twin
I am Nothing
but lies born of ignorance and Self-Defense
it was laughably foreign raw like sushi and bitter
like English Breakfast sipped like the proper Little Engish Child
I am told to sit up straight while dining
but staring down at this dish self-served
I rather lost my appetite ……….. nigger pot pie never was
one of my personal favorites
I get up
I walk away from this dish of injustice I know I must eat
even in putrefied stenchified rot I’ll bitterly
have to eat
every bite but I’m Much of the Opinion that
Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.
Yes
I will get You Evil Twin Bastard
as You Haunt me in my Dreams
Threatening to Expose Me. I will Get You
Evil Black Hearted Bastard I Hate You Fucking Liar told that total stranger
fact-fllled fiction told that Lover
Science Fiction
Who is Worse? the Liar or the Lied-To
for believing in Sugar from the Candied-Land of
Make-Believe which roller coaster through a Cyclone on a
Brooklyn beached of Memory by a factor of Nine
when I could hear the thoughts of Beasts Crawling upon a Night
scorched earth swirling within a moon-burned Sea
My Twin
My Evil
Look at Me
my mother
my father is beating me
my sister
my mother is neglecting me
myfather
my sister is mocking me
my grandma
my grandma
my grandma and me….
You’ll Burn in Hell, Bitch
wait and see
You’ll Burn in Hell, Bitch
(selfish of ME?)
You’ll Burn in Hell, Bitch
laughing at me
You’ll Burn in-Hell, Bitch
everything’s green
I turn
I swim
I spread my Wings
I am one with the Raven
two with Disease
I am three with the Devil
four, if you please
I am five with a Sickness
weak with my need,
I am six with a Violence
seven as I bleed
I am eight with a vengeance
nine as I seethe
I am ten with The Angels
eleven with a Heat
I am twelve years of madness
(Eat to the Beat)
I am thirteen filled with terrors
(Beast in a Box)
I am fourteen full of horror
cold, white and Rich
I am fifteen, battered, Abused and Angry
(Black Cherry Bitch)
I am sixteen, Dreaming ,filled with, Wonder
(“Your Father,….. he …….. he’s Dead”.)
I am seventeen, sick, sexed and suicidal
(with this ring I thee wed..)
I am eighteen just recalling now that Wife and Child are Dead
I am nineteen years and now
I see that I am just a Poet
Not a Saint Not a Savior Not a Sinner
But just a Poet
Jesus,
What a fucking waste.
Jesus, what a Fucking Waste!
“‘Jesus?”
“Yes?’
.. Do you forgive me?”
“Yes I do.”
Why don’t I believe you?
WHY DON’T I BELIEVE?
God Somebody ANYBODY Please
wake me up from this Nightmare
I want to Live/I want to Die/
I want to Live/I want to Die/
I want to Open Up My Eyes
I want to wake up in a City That Never Sleeps
Where I am An American Just Like You
My Evil Twin
My Soulmate in Sin
I am Guilty of Treason
and/or My Crimes
I must be Executed by Rhythm Nation
Micheal on One side
Janet on the Other
Black like my father
White like my mother
Fat like my sister
Dead like my brother
Am I yet another “Black Statistic?”
Am I just another Uppity Nigger?
Am I a Café ‘con Leche’/Irish/Cubano
brown like a Coffee Bean
baking in
the Sun?
(Only My Evil Twin knows for Sure)
who was my mother?
(Only My Evil Twin Knows for Sure)
who is she? do you know? do I?
what is this skeletal Thing all Fierce white teeth and wild dark Hair
grinning
into the sea
in bright-blasting SummerLight reaching down
to save me from Drowning?
does she love me
and My Evil Twin
or is she like the rest of my childhood a nasty fiction?
will I ever know?
can I take flight on the Wings of Ravens and fly away Free into
a dark sparkling fantasy where all this insanity will merely
Fade like brutal figments of my imagination?
Or
am I Deluding Myself into thinking of ever even trying to Flee
escaping from my past into a guilt-plagued future even if i
self-dissect self-mutilate self ignite and self-destruct?
am I forever damned to be a product of my past or am i
like Spirit guiltless bright and free?
And
where is my father?
dead
while all
where his bones lay moldering
while all his rage bakes blistering up from Hell about my Life
dark and mutely screaming?
these are the questions I put to myself as I take flight
of yet another poem
on the Razor-Tipped wings of a barking Blackbird
joining in the heavens of cold bright stars and frozen rainbows
the darkening flock of Black Steel Ravens heading out beyond the reaches of
the farthest planet from the sun…….
i am alive i think up here in heaven
at least as far as I can tell
and as far as I know Those
Creatures
down there
crawling
in filthy Pits of their Own Disgracful Ignorance
swimming
in a sea
of their own guilty feces
ARE NOT MINE
THEY DO NOT BELONG TO ME
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM
those
CREATURES
down there
bear not the slightest resemblance to me……..
Those
Creatures
Down
There
are not related
31, October 1992
I’m Not Afraid of the Dark #29
Finnegan